[Today is a guest post by finance blogger Carrie Smith.]
Some people can weather failure better than others, but I’m not one of them. It takes me a long time to work up the courage to try something new, and if I fail I will be even more careful in the future.
That’s not a good way to approach life, and I’ve been diligently working to change that for several years. It’s been a little over 2 years since my divorce. We were high school sweethearts, and I was madly in love with him from the moment I met him.
We thought we were the perfect dream team, but we didn’t take our relationship seriously, and all the pressures of life caved in on us. The biggest thing I’ve realized, while I may have been very naive, is that I gave up too quickly.
The vows of marriage should not be taken lightly. Many things in life, especially relationships, take work, dedication and trust, all of which I didn’t fully understand. Here are the biggest lessons I’ve learned on my journey.
Take your time
Whether it’s committing to a relationship or new job, or trying to get over a failed one, you have to take your time. You don’t want to make any rash decisions, or commit to something you might regret later. Only now, am I able to think clearly about the whole situation and everything that went on. I’m learning not to let other people’s views tell me what I should or shouldn’t do with my life.
Forgive yourself for any failures
Maybe you’ve lost your job, have a failed relationship or are just trying to cope. Before you can move on you need to accept the failure, and forgive yourself. This step took me many, many months to come to terms with. I felt like a huge mid-quarter life mess and screw up. I had to stop denying the truth, and forgive myself for all my failures.
Take personal accountability
Everyday we interact with all kinds of people, our co-workers, our spouse and our kids. It’s a two-way street, and we are ALL at fault in some way. Taking personal accountability for your actions will help to identify specific problems and work towards a solution. Otherwise you will keep blaming others, and continue to repeat your mistakes.
Don’t let the past dictate your future
It’s easy to give up on the future and to just make do, but that’s not living life, that’s surviving. Learn to grow, mature and progress from your past failures. Don’t let your mistakes dictate your future. All it takes is a choice, to feel the fear and do it anyway.
Learn to live and love again
I was constantly punishing myself and didn’t feel that I deserved to live a good life post-divorce. It took a lot of work, but I finally got to the place where I wanted to enjoy life again. No one judges you like you judge yourself.
Don’t be afraid to live again and to open your heart to love and to new adventures. A new relationship or a new career path is a great opportunity to do things right, to use the past as a guide, and create a successful future.
You’re not a loser, and you are not a complete failure. Take your time, learn to forgive yourself, push past the fear and choose to live an epic life.
Your life is valuable and you are worth it.
Carrie Smith, is the genius behind the Careful Cents personal finance blog. She’s a Certified Bookkeeper and Financial writer that is learning to live life to the fullest. She’s also a career junkie, social media addict, debt hater and food lover.
This post is so great! My marriage failed last year, and it was indeed a very difficult time. All I believed I wanted was coming to an end, and it was hard to realize that.
Much like you describe in this post….I decided to LIVE LIFE , its actually my motto of sorts. After looking seep within I began to get in touch with my passion, and that passion has since taken me on a new path, and new outlook on life.
Today I no longer fear failure nor do I see it in a negative way. Failure has been one of the best learning tools I have ever had the misfortune of knowing.
I’m glad you enjoyed my post. It’s great to hear you decided to live life again, Jeremy. It took me awhile to realize that failure isn’t a negative thing. I agree with you, it’s definitely one of the best learning tools. Sometimes failure is the best option, it’s just all about how you handle it.
One of my good “writer” friends said that if you can get your heartbreak down on paper, you will no longer be haunted by it. For some reason, she said, being able to see it for what it was, to articulate it, to fashion it, relieved her of the moaning ghosts that echoed in the chambers of her heart. The practice of articulating a painful story for the benefit of others put us in a position of humility and from it we rise with a perception of self that alludes so many. So few of us see our lives for what they really are so we can never improve upon them, we can never really LIVE. Thank you for sharing Carrie, and for reminding me that, “A new relationship or a new career path is a great opportunity to do things right, to use the past as a guide, and create a successful future.”
I definitely feel like I’ve been able to get past everything since I opened up and talked about it. I really don’t want my past to hold me back any longer, and recently I’ve been able to have hope again for the future. I’m so glad I can share my story and remind others to use the past as a guide. Thanks Alysa!
forgiving oneself is the hardest i find. i always beat myself up over any failures. thanks for the reminder
Noch Noch
I’ve failed so many times online or in the real. If it was a start up business or niche site I failed. But it was only those times that led me to success of what I have now. Thanks for sharing this!
The loss of a relationship can be incredibly hard – you can feel so much pain. There’s not only the grief from losing someone important in your life, but the pain of seeing your hopes and dreams of a future life together disappear as well. Sometimes this is the hardest part – having to totally readjust your view of how you saw your life unfolding in the next 5 to10 years. Suddenly, you can’t see into the future and it’s scary.
Sometimes letting go just happens after you’ve let yourself grieve and rage and whatever else you need to do. Other times, people have to deliberately and consciously focus on letting go. It is tempting to hold on, and scary to let go. Saying to yourself that you are letting go of your ex-partner can be helpful.
All of the points you made, I definitely experienced. It wasn’t just about the feeling of failure, but the feeling of all my hopes and dreams failing too. Once I finally got past everything, I had to start over, with a new perspective and new set of dreams. It’s tough to admit you are letting go and moving, saying out loud really does help. Thanks Persha.
It is very important to forgive. That is most important. With forgiveness we unclutter that unnecessary waste that points our minds backwords.
Thanks for sharing this beautiful post Carrie. I think you made a very important point and I just want to reemphasize what you said. You must forgive yourself for failures especially when you feel deeply that everything is your fault. It’s very hard to move past mistakes and learn to love again when you hate You or believe something is inherently wrong with you. I think this is even harder when have been painted in the minds of others as the “good” one or you took on the caretaker role in your family. When you have the nerve to be human you feel lost, and your mind overanalyzes every reason why you don’t deserve support and why you deserve everything that goes wrong in your life. Divorce by itself is very painful, (try divorce, loss of job, and surgery ouch), but I believe after you let yourself grieve on your own terms (everyone has their own grief cycle there is not right or wrong timeframe) you have to say enough is enough and rebuild, put the pieces back together, seek counseling if you have to and Live. Also, I would like to add because I did this myself, don’t kick yourself if you don’t do it right the first time, letting go is scary it is not uncommon to jump right into something out of fear just to have that fall apart and go back to square one. It’s ok, everyone makes mistakes on more than one occasion. It’s not how you start, it’s about how you finish. The beautiful thing about life and love is that it is a journey, one we can learn to enjoy over and over again.
Wow, thank you for this insightful comment asummermoon. I really feel like you understand my situation. You’re right, forgiving yourself is probably the most important step in anyone’s journey of rebuilding and putting the pieces back together. I did feel a lot of guilt and shame when my dream came crashing down, and when part of my family didn’t support the “failure”. I’m still going through part of the grieving process, but I feel like I’m more in control now.
I especially appreciate the part about not kicking yourself when you’re trying to start over. That’s pretty much where I am now. Working every day towards not repeating the same mistakes, but still trying to be open to life and love again. Thank you so much for the wonderful and uplifting comment.
If God is the center of relationship, all the trial will overcome.
Prayers to all that experiencing trials to their marriage,
I read the “Get A Life” ebook – forwarded to me by my best friend Angie, and so I am here.
Thanks for being awesome!
Thanks so much Peter!
Hi Carrie,
Thank you for being so open with your “failures”, it’s not easy being transparent especially when sometimes all you feel like you hear about sometimes are people’s successes and wins. And you’re right too often we judge ourselves more harshly than anyone else will!
Sandy
Hi Carrie and Benny,
Carrie, you give us some good advice here. Failure is never an easy situation deal with.
I think that “Forgive yourself for any failures” is really important. Sometimes a failure comes not because we did something wrong but because we did somethings when the circumstances were not the best and we chose a bad time. We almost always take a failure personally…and that is the main reason why we need to learn to forgive our self.
Thank you !
Lenia
That’s a really great point Lenia. During a bad situation it’s hard to make the best of it and to make the “least” worse decision. I do take my failures personally, but I’m definitely learning to use them as a springboard for something better, instead of dwelling on the mistake.
LOVE,,that’s all for what we live and do everything! Be it with a person or even with money it is love which is the basis of almost everything! But as a rule of it,one is bound to get hurt in it which really doesn’t mean one stops loving or fear from it!
because at the end of the day it is love that will heal all the pain given by it only!
GIVE LOVE GET LOVE!
Forgive and forget is the most vital part. When you forgive GOD is with you. You know things is not perfect at all. You win, you lose..But when GOD is you, things will changed into its perfectly place.